Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
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Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.