I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
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Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.