I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
You Might Also Like
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
For those that worship cheese..
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.