I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
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I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
What number SPF blocks people?
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.