*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
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LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid