What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
You Might Also Like
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
What if the weather talks about us?
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY