As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
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[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
HR said no more nunchucks.
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
Yoda telling a girl she can join the school marching band
March, April May
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?