Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
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me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
You had me at “define legal”.
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
They also CAN sing✌️