friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
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“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
is this how new cars are made??
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”