*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
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A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
Overindulged this afternoon.
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
jesus christ confetti not now
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.