‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
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Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
Boeing’s commercial spacecraft will be undergoing its final test flight tonight. Knock on wood, guys! But not too hard, it’s a Boeing
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?