My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
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Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*