(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
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Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?