While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
You Might Also Like
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
birds and squirrels envy us
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
date: your glasses make you look smart
me: well i had to fail a test to get them so
When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!