Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
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What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
Me trying to look natural in photos
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
fly smarter, not harder
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*