Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
You Might Also Like
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.