I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
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2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”