Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
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My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*