ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
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Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell