Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
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When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..