wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
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Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
OH. COME. ON.
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
I need more from my antidepressant, like clean my bathrooms. Go grocery shopping. Pull your weight.