Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
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I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.