My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
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When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.