[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
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“What?”
– Jude
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.