I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
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husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
This kinda thing happens to me often
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.