if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
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If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
When you’re here for the treats.