If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
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Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
Yoda telling a girl she can join the school marching band
March, April May
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
One-year-olds do not care about your carefully arranged baby activities or the toys designed by professionals. One-year-olds wish to fling wide the portals of the kitchen cabinetry and make it a temple to Chaos. The children yearn for the rummage
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more