Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
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Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
How do dragons blow out candles?
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?