If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
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Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
me: dating is hard
me on a date: convicted rainbows go to prisms but it’s usually a light sentence
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.