pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
You Might Also Like
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
me, after any kind of buffet.
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag