[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
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(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
Whisper out to librarians!
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
This dude got his own movie?
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
A farmer asked his neighbor
“I think my horse has what yours has. What did you give him when he was sick?”
“Castor oil”
The farmer bought castor oil and gave it to his horse
The next day
“Hey! I gave castor oil to my horse and it KILLED HIM!”“Killed mine too”
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.