[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
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I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
Mornin. * use accordingly
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
Boom, boom, ching!
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
Our public library is holding a “Read with a Firefighter” event. I tried to sign up, but it’s only for ages 6 – 9.
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates