Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
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WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.