Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
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[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
I’m about to risk it all
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.