[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
You Might Also Like
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
They got a point!
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
Who needs an Air Fryer?
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math