Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
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“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”