Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
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When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
whenever i wake up before my alarm
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
Whoa 😂
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.