Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
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I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?