I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
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Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
The cake is mightier than the sword.
british sex workers really pound for pound
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.