And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
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Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.
Baker: So, two loaves of bread?
Me: yes two please.
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.