Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
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My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
“i am a sweet baby”
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.