My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
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Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
[dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much
Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin