Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
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I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
In banana years, I am bread.
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.