Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
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2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
it was love at first sight
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
Why is everyone getting married at me
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.