The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
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I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
Mornin
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
Mmmm. Shoeshi
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.