Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
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[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down