Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
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Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
couldn’t resist
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.