[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having đ
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Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him heâs âmaybe in so much troubleâ and to âhold it right there misterâ while I Googled. Like a boss.
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KĹBAKO-ZUWARIâor âsitting like an incense boxâ. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
âJesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?â
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
Moms be like, âYour cousinâs neighborâs husbandâs aunt died. Just thought you should know.â
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so Iâd have pants to match.
If I were a music critic I would write things like, âHe really steered that car into the drivewayâ or âHer music makes me want to eat a quality pizzaâ
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands