If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
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Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”