I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
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“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
Rather alarming headline…
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?